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Resentment/Bitterness
Resentment can be triggered by an emotionally disturbing experience felt again or relived in the mind. When the person feeling resentment is directing the emotion at themself it appears as remorse. Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done. Bitterness is an emotion which encompasses both anger and hate, often people who are bitter appear to the world as just going around with a chip on there shoulder at everyone and everything. Common sources of resentment include publicly humiliating incidents such as accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest, an object of regular discrimination or prejudice, envy/jealousy, feeling used or taken advantage of by others, and having achievements go unrecognized, while others succeed without working as hard. Resentment can also be generated by dyadic interactions, such as emotional rejection or denial by another person, deliberate embarrassment or belittling by another person, or ignorance, putting down, or scorn by another person.
Unlike many emotions, resentment does not have physical tags exclusively related to it that telegraph when a person is feeling this emotion. However, physical expressions associated with related emotions such as anger and envy may be exhibited, such as furrowed brows or bared teeth.
Resentment can be self-diagnosed by looking for signs such as the need for emotion regulation, such as faking happiness while with a person to cover true feelings toward him or speaking in a sarcastic or demeaning way to or about the person. It can also be diagnosed through the appearance of agitation- or dejection-related emotions, such as feeling inexplicably depressed or despondent, becoming angry for no apparent reason, or having nightmares or disturbing daydreams about a person.
Resentment is most powerful when it is felt toward someone whom the individual is close to or intimate with. To have an injury resulting in resentful feelings inflicted by a friend or loved one leaves the individual feeling betrayed as well as resentful, and these feelings can have deep effects.
Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when unresolved, can have a variety of negative results on the person experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of the person resented, denial of anger or hatred against this person, and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized positively. It can also have more long-term effects, such as the development of a hostile, cynical, sarcastic attitude that may become a barrier against other healthy relationships, lack of personal and emotional growth, difficulty in self-disclosure, trouble trusting others, loss of self-confidence, and overcompensation.[3] By contrast, resentment does not have any direct negative effects on the person resented, save for the deterioration of the relationship involved.
To further compound these negative effects, resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person and the person he or she feels committed the wrong, and can result in future miscommunications and the development of further resentful feelings.[6] Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons,[1] and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.
Psychologist James J. Messina recommends five steps to facing and resolving resentful feelings. (1) Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the person did to evoke these feelings, (2) develop a new way of looking at past, present and future life, including how resentment has affected life and how letting go of resentment can improve the future, (3) write a letter to the source of the resentment, listing offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go of the offenses (but do not send the letter), (4) visualize a future without the negative impact of resentment, and (5) if resentful feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Comparison with other emotions
Resentment is considered to be synonymous with anger, spite, and other similar emotions; however, while it may incorporate elements of these emotions, resentment is distinct from these emotions in several ways. Aside from sharing similar facial expressions, resentment and anger differ primarily in the way they are externally expressed. Anger results in aggressive behavior, used to avert or deal with a threat, while resentment occurs once the injury has been dealt and is not expressed as aggressively or as openly.
Resentment and spite also differ primarily in the way they are expressed. Resentment is unique in that it is almost exclusively internalized, where it can do further emotional and psychological damage but does not strongly impact the person resented. By contrast, spite is exclusively externalized, involving vindictive actions against a (perceived or actual) source of wrong. Spiteful actions can stem from resentful feelings, however.
Resentment in Custody Battles
Children are affected by the behaviour of parents towards one another and will react to the behaviour of their parents. When conflict occurs children who have been close to both parents will frequently need to choose sides. They will often be forced to choose between closeness or loyalty to both parents, to that of one parent. Hence children who have had a good relationship to a now absent parent due to separation, will begin, if indoctrinated, will begin to consider the absent parent as somehow less worthy of their love. This tendency is directly or subtly encouraged by the custodial parent of the child. This could be the mother or the father but is more likely to be the mother. The bitterness, the resident parent feels and expresses towards their former partner is usually transferred into the minds of the child/children. The child/children frequently develop a similar view about the now absent parent as the resident parent. The absent parent may seek to retaliate but as that absent parent has no or limited contact with the child/children such retaliation will be ineffective. The alienation or denigration of the absent parent leads to the child/children resenting the absent parent and wishing to have as little contact as possible with that parent at the instigation of the custodial parent. This happens for two reasons: 1) the child is angry with the absent parent for “deserting” him/her; 2) the child blames himself for the absent parent leaving and feels resentment against the absent parent. The resentment in turn is picked up by the custodial parent and the course of denigration begins.
The child therefore becomes an accomplice to the alienator.
The children eventually become embroiled in a web of hostility, anger, aggression and deceit. This they have learned from the most important adult in their lives who does not inculcate positive, and constructive emotions in the child. It is not strange therefore, that the children have learned to hate and deceive as instructed, or at least not discouraged, by a custodial parent.
Dr Loweinstein (1) explains that should a parent fail to encourage a child to have good contact with the other parent and that contact actually takes place, then the child must be removed from the influence of the alienator to a neutral setting where and effective and intensive therapy can be provided, in order to stop the current mind set of the child. Until this has been achieved, there should be no contact between the abusing alienator and the victimized child. Furthermore, when this change of mindset has been achieved, there needs to be a “legal separation” of the child and the alienator, and the child being placed for some time, if not permanently, with the alienated parent. Hence, the alienated parent should be given legal custody.
There should be no contact between the harmful alienator and the child until the implacable hostility gives way to truly encouraging in the future good contact between the child and the former victim of alienation. It is unfortunate that many Judges still fail to see the insidious programming of alienators and even fewer take the necessary steps to curtail it by the legal means described as soon as possible. The longer the process of alienation continues, the more difficult the process of rehabilitation becomes and the longer it takes. It must be accepted that many alienators suffer from psychological problems themselves such as delusions and feelings of entitlement that their process of alienating is justified as is the empowering of children to attack and show malevolence towards the innocent non resident parent. This frequently indeed leads to the resident parent making accusations of sexual/physical abuse against a non custodial parent to prevent any contact between that parent and the children.
Such emotional abuse when found, should lead to an automatic removal of a child from a custodial parent. That parent who is taking cruel advantage of his/her power over a vulnerable child and vulnerable absent parent should not be allowed to continue having custody of that child. The process is seeking to turn the child against the absent parent, instead of encouraging and making certain that the child has good contact with the now absent parent.
